Festive time - time for internal shifts
Christmas Eve and then Christmas. For many the most beautiful time of the year. The time that we spend with our loved ones. When we exchange gifts in the form of packages under the christmas tree, the time for affection, and attention that we give to each other. The time to remember the value of people we spend our lives with have for us. When we feel interconnectedness, love, and a desire to express and share our feelings in a family circle.
I admit that I am looking forward to this period now that I am far away. Far away, both physically, emotionally and mentally, from the trauma and abuse left on me by my long-term relationship with a narcissis.
Honestly, it wasn't always like that.
I remember a period when I would have preferred to run away far, far away from myself, from him, from us and the whole unbearable situation that I could not solve. I just couldn't unravel that ball. Years have passed, Christmas, New Year's Eve and all the other holidays followed, and emptiness, a feeling of agony and the fear that my situation was unsolvable was becoming bigger and bigger. I remember a time when holidays were a nightmare that I would rather skip or even delete from my calendar.
I know the holiday season is just that for many of you out there. A nightmare. And let this be due to the fact that you are forced to spend holidays in the immediate vicinity of a narcissistic person who uses this time to indulge in you and the rest of the family. Whether it’s the feeling of loneliness, isolation, abandonment you feel because of that person’s absence. There is probably no more difficult and more necessary condition than realizing that you cannot live with or without a person who is harming you in any case. Your mind tells you that it is better to be as far away as possible, far, far away, but your body longs for closeness, for a hug, for a look, even if it is full of contempt and hatred.
It’s hard to describe such feelings to someone who hasn’t found him/herself in a narcissistic embrace. It is almost impossible to understand that we are able to abandon our values, beliefs, dignity and, as a slave, submit ourselves to the lowest and cruelest forms of manipulation, confusion and emotional blackmail. Even if it is only for crumbs of false attention or empty words.
Holidays are often a period when triggers are activated in our unconscious part and require resolution. They demand attention at all costs. According to the established habit, we prefer to be distracted by a bunch of obligations and duties that alleviate the ever louder and stronger cry of the inner being. We bake cookies, cook, tidy up, deal with children, parents, solve the plight of friends or comment on what's going on in the political scene, then there's a series of movies on TV and thank God for Netflix that saves us from the worse scenario - the case of silence.
Make no mistake, all of the above activities and tasks are fine and are part of life, and by the way Netflix is great too. But unfortunately they don’t solve the black scenario that has been dragging on for some time and will continue to unfold in the form of a nightmare that doesn’t stop with the morning sun. It will unfold until we face the monster. Confrontation is another word for treating an injured, neglected, and overlooked inner child who is today in the body of an adult who doesn’t know what for God's sake to do with a bunch of unprocessed emotions. These emotions, which we have not given the opportunity to express and transform, linger on us like cliffs in a shallow sea, approached by a tired swimmer on his way to the island with a lighthouse. The lighthouse emits such a strong inviting light that the swimmer overlooked it. In the tide, sharp cliffs do not pose a danger, but in the case of low tide they can be fatal for the swimmer.
The tide is a metaphor for a time when we are fully occupied with daily tasks, obligations, and roles that require our full attention. It is so much easier and faster to cover the screaming voices of the unconscious. The story becomes more challenging when, for one reason or another, the daily routine we have been accustomed to for most of the year or life suddenly fades away.
This can be, for example a time of , the departure of a child from home, the loss of a job, the korona virus period and yes, the holiday time.
And if we can’t escape the situation already and because we carry ourselves with us always and everywhere, perhaps the holidays are the ideal time for the shifts that lead us to recovery. And not just recovery. To that feeling of standing on top of a hill and gazing out at the valley with a sense of clarity, determination, inner peace and triumph that no one can ever take away from you!
So make a different decision this year. Act differently and expect different results. Make the following 4 commitments:
- Undertake to be kind to yourself this year, unlike in previous years, when you put all the other people in line in front of you and played the role of a superman or a superwoman. Choose people with whom you really want to spend the holiday season and do not attend socializing with those who humiliate, condemn or destroy your dignity. Get rid of the feeling that you have to do something just because it suits you or because it is expected of you. At this point, I am giving you a release from the guilt that might be aroused in you!
- Commit to disconnecting from narcissist and do not react to outages that are a constant during the holiday season. You need to be aware that the holiday season is very demanding and unfriendly time for them. All of a sudden there is a crowd on stage that used to be dedicated exclusively to them. Relatives, children, neighbours, phone calls, skype calls, zoom,… all this is too much for a person who wants all the attention absolutely for him/herself. Do not allow yourself an emotional reaction to their sudden disappearance, breaking plates, rage and roaring or courting. Simply disconnect emotionally! Believe me, there is no worse blow to a narcissist than your emotional unresponsiveness! Become discharged battery?
- Commit to praying and sending good thoughts to people and all beings who need your attention. This is definitely not a narcissist! If ever, in 2020, we realized how much we are connected and interdependent on our beloved blue planet Earth. A lot of people at this point need your warm gesture, a kind thought, a smile, maybe a conversation, or just a word of encouragement. So many of your talents with which you can drive away the darkness in your near and far surroundings have been overlooked, unnoticed, or simply stolen because of narcissistic selfishness. The world needs you! Remember that you were not chosen from the narcissist because of its shortcomings, but because of its qualities!
- Commit to yourself. Commit to taking advantage of this year’s holidays to shift your consciousness, making entering 2021 a step towards your freedom, independence, happiness, fulfilled and peaceful life. A step into a time where your need for love, security, affirmation and survival within a safe and healthy environment will finally see the light of day! Trust that it is possible. Trust that it is possible for miracles to happen to you!
To help you and support you, I am sending you the mantra that served me as I walked through the dark night of the soul years ago. I wish you with all my heart to serve you as it has served me:
I believe in Miracles.
I believe in You.
I believe in Miracles.
I am a Miracle.
Remember, you are not alone on this path, which often seems hopeless. Asking for help, conversation, advice, or just being close to someone who understands you is part of being human. Part of being kind to yourself is being able to call for help when you feel you need it.