The right time to leave

At first I felt anger, followed by shock, deep disappointment and finally I was overwhelmed by a strange mixture of pain in my heart and then…

RELIEF…

We fought in front of our children again. They were 3 and 1 year old. He accused me of cheating on him and started insulting me. I don’t remember what the topic of our dispute was, but I do remember the looks in the children’s eyes and my own thoughts that this is wrong. How furious I would be as a mother if anyone behaved like that towards them! Above all, I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that such behavior was normal.

I looked him in the eye, the rage inside me blew into the air at that moment and calmly said: We can’t go on like this anymore. This is not right, it is not normal. ”His response was, as always, hostile, full of accusations and denials of any responsibility.

That was the beginning of our end. In less than 6 months, I found a new home for myself and my little girls.

The divorce was completed within 2 years.

Today marks 6 years since then. There come days when I feel bad, but during this time I have NEVER doubted the correctness of the decision. NEVER.

Above are the words of a brave woman who sent an important message to the world.

"SHOULD I STAY OR GO?"

And although most would like to hear the answer from the outside, deep down everyone knows for themselves. We are often horrified to learn that the time to leave is long gone. That’s when our body was first overwhelmed by a sense of intrusion of cold foreign energy that we couldn’t explain. She simply took possession of us and numb us. We became prisoners in our own bodies. A feeling of helplessness and silent observation of oneself from afar. Like a puppet dance on strings in the hands of a skilled puppeteer.

The painful realization that it is not us. At least not genuine or sincere. In a wave of rape that isn’t necessarily physical, with horror and cold over us, we find ourselves doing things we don’t want to do. How we speak words that are not an expression of our belief because we want to please. How we observe life run past us.

 The more we squeeze the sand in our hands, the less of it stays there. There is less joy, less sparkle in the eyes, less glow. Quietly, almost inaudibly, apathy, nonsense and aimlessness creep into our everyday lives. Let’s forget the childhood dreams and wishes we once explained to our friends with enthusiasm and wide-spread wings. It remains a shadow of our own image that we drew in a dream and nostalgia for ourselves. The feeling that we are rescuing someone who desperately needs our help is a poor consolation for losing ourselves.

The emptiness of great words creeps into us, obscuring our door to truth. The faint memory of the times when we really lived is hidden in the particles of trapped energy somewhere in the past, to which we are denied access.

Is it easier to face the truth, gather courage, and make the decision to leave, or is it easier to stay with the knowledge that it will never be different?


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